Tricks of the Trade
by Diamond Mask
Summary: Uzumaki Naruto hated rumours for a very good reason. And whoever spread the rumour that he and Sasuke were in love was a dead nin... SasuNaru, implied GaaraNaru, NejiNaru and ItaNaru.
1. Rumours

**Tricks of the Trade**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto or any of the respective characters. I just like to take them out to play once in a while… preferably with each other.

**Pairings**: SasuNaru, with implied GaaraNaru, NejiNaru and ItaNaru.

**Rating**: T for shonen-ai, language and Perverted Sasuke.

**A/N**: Yosh, first Naruto fic! Which, incidentally, is pure crack. Because I adore crack. But never mind. Hope you like it enough to leave me a review…

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto had good reason to hate gossip.

He had lived with cautious glances and furtive whispers behind his back for as long as he could remember. He hated hearing it, even though he could never bring himself to hate the people who spread it. Because the gossip was always about him.

_That damned fox._

With this in mind, you would think Naruto would be happy if someone else became the victim of the village gossip. You would think that he would delight in the fact that people were no longer interested in talking about him; you would think that, as a teenager, Naruto would appreciate the new freedom. He was a graduate now, a shinobi of Konoha. Adults did not pull pranks to get the slightest bit of attention, thus he did not – well, rarely anyway. Why should he care that people rarely talked about him or his pranks anymore? Because seriously, his tricks were the stuff legends were made of. They deserved to be remembered.

But he did care. And he cared because all anyone could talk about these days was that bastard.

_Uchiha Sasuke._

Just thinking about his stoic teammate was enough to make Naruto feel an insatiable urge to beat something, even someone, into an unrecognisable pulp. What was so great about Sasuke, anyway? What was it about the Uchiha that made all the kunoichi swoon? Why were they all so bloody obsessed with that jackass? He had hair that resembled a bird's backside, eyes that looked like black stones, and a body that was too skinny to be appealing. His lips were thin, dry and completely unkissable.

So what if Naruto knew that his hair was as feathery and soft as it looked. So what if Naruto knew that those onyx eyes shone like precious stones when he was angry. So what if Naruto did know that his body was all deceptive strength and sleek, sinewy perfection. So what if Naruto _personally_ knew that his lips were silky and supple, like kissing velvet.

As far as he was concerned, the Uchiha was nothing special

It aggravated Naruto to no end that Sasuke could do absolutely nothing and still get more attention. It pissed him off that girls could still adore him when he was being a rude, arrogant jerk who clearly did not give a flying fuck about anything they said or did and never ever would. So Naruto knew from personal experience that Sasuke was undeserved of any gossip.

But he quickly changed his mind when the rumours started. The rumours that Uchiha Sasuke was actually in love.

_With Uzumaki Naruto. _

* * *

Naruto was guzzling down a bowl of miso ramen in typical fashion at Ichiraku (for breakfast, no less) when he first heard it – or rather, _felt_ it. With his head buried in the bowl, he had missed hearing the inane chatter of the gaggles of girls flocking past the stand, but he could hardly fail to miss the fist that came smashing onto his head from behind. Inhaling the broth in his shock, Naruto came up spluttering and gasping, ready to beat the crap out of whoever hit him.

"What the fu-!"

"Naruto, how could you!"

Dazed, with hair and face covered in broth and bits of noodles, the blonde could only blink in defence. "Sa-Sakura-chan?"

The pink-haired kunoichi pulled back her fist and let lose another sob as she let fly another punch. "Y-You _stole _him from me!"

Naruto gaped at her. Getting beaten up by Sakura was nothing new, and she accused him of being utterly clueless and an idiot on a regular basis, but being called a thief was new. And insulting. Uzumaki Naruto may have been many things, but he was not a thief! He was the kind of shinobi who refused to cheat even when he was _supposed_ to cheat.

"Hey, hey! Who you callin' a thief?" he protested indignantly, catching her fist mid-blow.

Sakura drew in a deep, shuddering breath, acting as if she had not heard a word Naruto said. "I will never _ever_ forgive you," she declared brokenly, "for stealing my only chance at true love!"

Naruto was at a complete loss. One, he was clueless when it came to dealing with girls, especially _crying_ girls, and two, he had no idea what the hell she was blubbering about. But if he stole her only chance at true love… that would mean he stole… Sasuke? Why the hell would he bother stealing that asshole? Okay. Sakura must have lost it. He scratched his head, frowning.

"Um… Sakura-chan…?"

"I want to know what you did to Sasuke-kun," she hissed, inching closer to him, her face darkening menacingly. "You did something to him. _And I want to know what it is. Now._" The kunoichi cracked her knuckles for emphasis and Naruto blanched, but it did nothing to clear his confusion.

"What makes you think I did anything to Sasuke-teme?" he asked blankly. "I borrowed his kunai once, but I gave it back, I swear. Wait, is that jerk still saying I stole it? I threw it at his freakin' head, I know he got it back!"

Sakura looked momentarily perplexed, before her expression cleared. "Who cares about a stupid kunai?" she said incredulously. "You. Stole. His. Heart!"

"No, seriously, he – _what?_"

Naruto took a step back, his face aghast. "W-What do you mean, _I stole his heart_?"

"Come on, Naruto," she scoffed, giving him a suspicious glare. "Everyone knows. The entire village has been talking about nothing else since yesterday! You know, I thought you could at least tell me the truth."

"What…" he swallowed hard and croaked, "Sakura-chan, _what_ has the village been talking about?"

Sakura stared at him in astonishment, realisation dawning. "You mean… you don't know?" she said slowly. "You haven't heard?"

Before Naruto could say another word, a joyous shout shattered his nervous anticipation.

"NARUTO-KUN!"

Naruto blinked as a green, tearful blur swept in front of him. "Fuzzy Brows?"

Rock Lee beamed, tears of joy streaming down his face. "Ah, Friend Naruto! You are truly in the springtime of your youth!" he sobbed. "To have captured the heart of Sasuke-kun with no effort, unlike myself, who must work hard to earn the affections of his beloved!" With that he gave Sakura an adoring look. The kunoichi flinched.

Naruto paled even further. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out except a dry croak.

Lee almost swooned at the sight. "Naruto-kun, I see you are struck speechless by the beauty of your love for Sasuke-kun! How proud I am to witness this moment, to see the flames of your youthful passion ignite for the first time! Look, see how they burn so fiercely in your eyes!" He clenched a fist triumphantly, a manic expression springing into his unique eyes. "Have no fear, Naruto-kun, I will spread the news of this newborn passion," he cried. "Soon, all will know the depth of the love that your worthy heart has bestowed upon Sasuke-kun! YOSH!"

With one last adoring look at Sakura, the still sobbing Lee fled up the street, clutching his heart before it could jump right out of his chest.

Sakura, whose own rage had long since faded (even though Inner Sakura was still screaming for blood), looked uncertainly at Naruto. The kitsune was quiet, knuckles turning white as his fists tightened, eyes perfectly blank.

"Sakura-chan," he said quietly. "Is there a rumour going around about me and Sasuke?"

She nodded reluctantly. "Er… yes."

With the same ghostly calm, he asked, "What are they saying about me and… _Sasuke_?"

He bit out the name like it caused him physical pain and Sakura winced.

"Oh, just that… that you… that you and Sasuke-kun are…" her expression contorted painfully, but she managed to blurt it out.

"That you and Sasuke-kun are in love!"

* * *

Naruto was convinced that the entire population of Konoha was certifiably insane.

People thought he was in love with _Sasuke_. People thought Sasuke was in love with _him_.

Panting, the kitsune threw himself desperately around the corner, not caring where the hell he was going. It seemed like half the kunoichis in Konoha took exception to the fact that their Sasuke-kun might be in love with the _male_ village troublemaker. Naruto winced, clutching the graze on his shoulder from a well-aimed shuriken. Even if he used Kage Bunshin, there was nothing left to do but run. He risked a glance over his shoulder, and his heart beat faster as the approaching dust cloud grew larger every second.

"Oh… _shit_…"

He had known it was going to be bad when he left Ichiraku, but shit, this was a nightmare. Those kunoichi were determined to have his head and they were showing no signs of giving up anytime soon. The second he had stepped outside the ramen stand, they had swarmed all over him like Choji on the last potato chip. Naruto might have been able to outsmart them with his _clearly_ superior shinobi skills, but these girls were no slouches either. They were pulling out all the stops, setting traps along the rooftops so that he was confined to the streets and each creating Bunshins to chase after him.

If they caught him, he was a dead man.

Dammit, he needed somewhere to hide, somewhere safe. A place no one would think of looking for him… his apartment? No, a place like-

"N-Naruto-kun!"

Naruto skidded to a halt. "H-Hinata!" he gasped, doubling over and clutching the stitch in his side. "H-Help… me… p-please… need to _h-hide_…"

He expected the shy girl to hold out a trembling hand and spirit him away to the safe haven of the Hyuuga compound, but she did no such thing. Instead, her pale eyes filled with tears and her trembling intensified tenfold.

"…Hinata?"

"I-I know about you and S-Sasuke-kun," she choked out, looking both proud and horrified with herself for daring to talk to Naruto. "A-And… and…" Unable to finish, the poor girl ducked her head and wished desperately for the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

Relief swamped over Naruto. Of all people, _Hinata_ would believe him. Thank god someone was finally going to support his side of the story! "Hinata, I-"

"I wish you both all the happiness in the world!"

The agonized words, said miraculously without a stammer, burst out of her and Hinata, with a face that resembled the setting sun, turned and fled.

Naruto was only frozen for the second that it took for her to turn and run, before he cracked. "I'm not in love with that bastard!" he yelled after her. In a sudden frenzy, he whipped around and bellowed at the pursuing kunoichi, shaking his fists. "Do you hear me? _I am not in love with Sasuke!_"

"Naruto? Who the hell are you shouting at?"

The kitsune almost cried at the sight of Kiba and Shino emerging from a side street. His fellow _guys_, two people least likely to indulge in gossip – they would believe him. They _had_ to. "G-Guys," he croaked. "You have to help me! These girls… all freakin' nut jobs…"

Shino raised a brow and stared vacantly down the street at the approaching stampede. "It would seem," he said slowly, "that Naruto-kun has a problem he would like us to help him with."

_No shit, Sherlock._

Naruto ground his teeth in frustration, squashing the urge to pound the bugs right out of the Aburame.

"Ne, Naruto," Kiba nudged him with his elbow and grinned wolfishly. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?" he demanded anxiously in a high-pitched voice. "No, dammit, I am not in love with that bastard!"

"Well… yeah." Kiba rolled his eyes. "But we want to know if it's true that you and Sasuke are… you know…" he leaned closer to Naruto, fangs gleaming. "…_doing it._"

Naruto's mouth fell open.

"And what we really want to know," the Inuzuka boy continued gleefully, and Akamaru growled his agreement, "is who's on top. Shino says it's Sasuke, but I dunno, I think it's you."

There was silence. Akamaru barked again.

"Oh yeah, Akamaru thinks you both take turns being bottom."

Shino pushed his sunglasses further up his nose. "But we doubt that you are actually in love, Naruto-kun," he said sombrely. "In fact…"

"…we think you just do it with Sasuke," said Kiba, finishing what was evidently supposed to be a _comforting_ observation. "Cause we don't really listen to gossip, right, Shino?"

The Aburame nodded. "That is correct. Listening to gossip would be against proper shinobi conduct."

Naruto continued to gawk at them. "What…" he whispered, finally finding his voice. "You…"

Shino and Kiba gazed at him, obviously expecting some kind of answer. And they sure as hell got it.

"_What the fuck is wrong with you people?_"

"Naruto-kun!" Shino said sharply. "This is no excuse for using bad language."

"Yeah," Kiba exclaimed indignantly. "What the hell did we ever do to you?"

"Arf!"

Naruto snapped. "I am not sleeping with Sasuke!" he hollered. "You hear me? _I am not having sex with that bastard!_"

"That's not what we heard…"

"_Fuck_ what you heard, I -"

"There he is!" a female voice shrieked.

"Naruto!" another screeched. "How dare you steal Sasuke-kun's virginity!"

The blonde whipped around. His blue eyes widened as his sense of extreme danger increased exponentially. They were out for _blood_. "Hide me, please!" he begged.

A bug crawled across Shino's face as he contemplated Naruto's situation. "Kiba. We are late for training with Kurenai-sensei. We are not allowed to be late," he said brusquely. "It is against the rules."

Kiba grinned. "We are?"

"…"

The Inuzuka shrugged. "If you say so. Ja, Naruto!"

"H-Hey, hey!" Naruto shouted desperately, but the two boys vanished within seconds and materialised on the opposite side of the street, promptly disappearing onto the rooftops. Leaving Naruto to fend off a hundred broken-hearted kunoichi.

He gulped. The heated shrieks got closer and closer.

So. There was nothing left to do except stand and fight. Naruto braced himself, forming the seals for Kage Bunshin, and prepared to defend himself to the very end.

"Kage Bunshin no jut-!"

"_Uzumaki Naruto_."

Naruto broke off midsentence, lowering his hands and squinting at the newcomer confusedly. "Gaara?" he said incredulously. "What are you doing here?"

The sand nin stared coldly at him. "We should be asking you the same thing, Naruto."

"Huh? Wait, what do you mean 'we'-?"

Neji stepped out to take his place beside Gaara, and subjected poor Naruto to the full force of his chilling glare.

"Yes, Naruto-_kun_. We. _Us_."

Gaara's turquoise eyes glittered ominously. "We heard a certain rumour about you and Uchiha Sasuke-"

The Hyuuga took a step closer to Naruto, pale eyes narrowing. "How could you, Naruto-kun?" he demanded, face twisting in actual emotion. "_How could you?_"

Oh yes. Uzumaki Naruto was a dead nin walking.


	2. Enter Itachi

**Tricks of the Trade**

**A/N**: It's been a long time coming, but it's finally here XD Oh, and reviews would be love.

**EDIT 3/10/2007: **chapter edited for better flow.

* * *

The Akatsuki Leader stared at Zetsu.

"Are you sure that this information is accurate?"

The Grass nin nodded. "The entire village has been talking of nothing else for almost two days, Leader-sama. The Godaime herself was heard discussing it with a group of jounin."

The Leader gazed at the surveillance report again.

It was, he realised, entirely possible that in his hand he held the key to finally capturing the Kyuubi. The boy was irritatingly evasive, and both Itachi and Kisame had failed on numerous occasions to capture him.

On the other hand, the possibility also existed that this document was the death sentence for the last Uchiha in Konoha. Itachi had, after all, become a tad (if not disturbingly) possessive when it came to the Uzumaki boy, which was why the Leader suspected that Itachi was failing to capture him on purpose. If the rumours were true and his little brother got in the way of him and the kitsune… Itachi would certainly have no qualms about killing him.

Well, they all had to make sacrifices. Besides, Sasuke served little purpose other than distracting Orochimaru from Akatsuki activities. If he died it was no loss. Pretty boys like that were easily replaced. The sannin would chase anything as long as it was young, pretty and male.

He nodded slowly. Yes, this was the perfect opportunity to capture the Kyuubi. The Leader tucked the report carefully inside his cloak and fixed his hawkish gaze on Zetsu.

"Itachi is in his room. Get him."

Zetsu inclined his head, sinking into the floor of the meeting room. He returned moments later Itachi in tow and sank back down when the Leader dismissed him with a curt nod.

Itachi stared impassively ahead of him. "Yes, Leader-sama?"

For a moment, the Leader could only marvel at how the Uchiha maintained his blank and monotonous veneer constantly. It was impressive, and surely a chakra technique. It was even one of the reasons that Itachi was recruited into the Akatsuki in the first place. Perhaps he should order Itachi to teach it to the other members.

God knows Tobi could use it.

Itachi stared at the Leader, who had a decidedly dazed expression on his face. Then again, the Uchiha was not entirely sure that his superior _was_ looking dazed because of the horrendously dim lighting in the meeting room (which could be attributed to the fact that Kakuzu always bought the cheapest light bulbs he could find).

Another minute ticked by.

Itachi turned and calmly walked out of the door.

It was just another one of those days for Leader-sama again...

The Leader snapped out of his reverie instantly when he saw Itachi walking away. "There is a certain rumour going around Konoha…" he said pointedly to the retreating back. "One you might find particularly interesting, Itachi."

The missing-nin paused before gliding back to his place on socked feet. Only a slight lift to his eyebrows suggested that he was even aware the Leader was talking to him.

"It seems that your brother is in love."

The Uchiha made a small noise in his throat. "What Sasuke does is none of my concern nor interest," he interjected monotonously, "much less who he chooses to love. Leader-sama, if that is all you had to say-"

But before the Leader could continue, the door burst open.

"Itachi-saaan!"

An orange-masked blur rocketed across the room, flinging himself against the Uchiha. "Oh, Itachi-san," he sobbed. "I came as soon as I heard!"

Itachi glanced down at the nin bawling on his cloak and a kunai appeared out of his sleeve instantly. "Get your hands off me."

Tobi only hiccupped in reply, clamping his arms tighter. "C-Congratulations!"

"…?"

"You must be so proud, Itachi-san, now that your little brother is all grown up!"

"Sasuke has never given me any reason to be proud of him."

Tobi wiped the damp patches on his mask from where his tears had leaked out of the hole on the sleeve of Itachi's cloak. "You know," he suddenly whispered, "it's okay to show your emotions and cry, Itachi-san. I do it all the time. Happy tears are nothing to be ashamed of."

"I don't have emotions. And I don't cry."

Tobi was silent for a few moments, before–

"…not even at weddings?"

A muscle under Itachi's eye twitched. "No."

"But you'll cry at your brother's wedding, won't you, Itachi-san?"

"Sasuke won't get married until he kills me."

The Leader coughed. Itachi slowly revolved on the spot (a difficult thing to manage with Tobi still clinging to him like a swirl-faced barnacle) and stared at his superior.

"Leader-sama… is Tobi…"

"…correct?" the Leader finished, nodding sagely. "Yes. He is."

Itachi looked vaguely astonished, and the Leader made a mental note to reward Tobi for doing what most had not survived. After all, it was a well established theory that Itachi had killed his best friend just for jumping out at him from behind a tree and yelling "boo!" (the fact that the Uchiha received Mangekyou Sharingan afterwards was pure coincidence, but a bonus nonetheless).

"Ne, Itachi-san," Tobi piped up excitedly, "when do you think our invitations will arrive?"

"Never."

"Why?"

The Leader answered his question. "Itachi killed the their entire clan, left Sasuke traumatized and alone, and did the same thing last time they met, forcing mental and physical torture on him just because he could. Somehow I doubt that Itachi, never mind the Akatsuki, would be on the guest list for his _wedding_, Tobi."

"…oh." Tobi looked crestfallen, before brightening again.

"Then, Itachi-san, do you think your brother would let us help with planning the wedding?"

"…"

"…"

Tobi barreled on, oblivious to their incredulous looks. "I know Zetsu-san will be happy to do the flower arrangements, and Hidan-san can conduct the ceremony. They can get married in the church of Jashin! And Deidara-senpai…" his eyes widened and he clasped his hands gleefully beneath his chin. "Deidara-senpai would make the most beautiful ice sculptures for the reception! Then your brother would have to invite us, it's only the polite thing to do!"

Silence.

"You know, that might not be such a bad idea, Tobi."

Itachi gave the Leader an incredulous look. "Sir?"

"Wedding planning is a profitable venture that no criminal organization has ever pursued," the Leader said thoughtfully. "With less danger and chance for injury, we could generate enormous profits by what we save on medical bills alone. And Tobi does have a point – each member does have certain skills that can used for planning a wedding."

Tobi beamed, blushing with pride under his mask. "I thought it was a good idea," he said modestly, "so I went ahead and bought orange silk for the wedding gown and gave it to Kakuzu-san. It can be my wedding gift to the bride!"

The Uchiha frowned suddenly, distracted from the fact that Leader-sama was seriously considering turning the Akatsuki into wedding planners by the even more absurd notion that a woman would want to glow like a pumpkin on her wedding day. Surely not the pink-haired girl that followed his brother around like an adoring puppy.

"What bride would want an orange wedding dress?"

The masked nin looked momentarily confused. "Orange is his favourite colour, Itachi-san. I thought you knew that."

"_His_ favourite colour?"

Tobi nodded happily. "Your little brother is going to marry Naruto-san!"

Itachi blinked. The pale cheeks slowly began to redden. The Sharingan eyes dilated.

Tobi remained blissfully ignorant of the dangers levels increasing exponentially around him. "I was so happy when Zetsu-san told me that I started to cry! Then Hidan-san said something really mean to poor Tobi and started laughing so hard he spilt his soda all over Kakuzu-san's new budget–"

Ah, yes. That would account for all the screaming that the Leader had been hearing earlier.

"–and then Kakuzu-san insulted Hidan-san's religion, so Hidan-san said some _very_ bad words and tried to hit Kakuzu-san over his head–" the masked nin broke off mid-sentence, glancing around himself in sudden confusion. "Where did Itachi-san go?"

The Leader pointed to the door. "You had better hurry if you want to go with him, Tobi," he suggested blandly.

"But I'm not Itachi-san's partner."

"Kisame is busy cleaning the swimming pool. You will be partnering Itachi for today."

Tobi gasped. "Really?"

"Yes, really. Now get out and leave me in peace."

The Leader smiled as Tobi sprinted after Itachi, hollering his name and begging not to be left behind again.

Oh yes. Uchiha Sasuke was a dead nin walking.

* * *

Naruto wanted to cry. He wanted to burst into tears, he wanted to throw himself on the ground and sob his eyes out until not a drop of water was left in his body. And when he was done throwing his tantrum (which he was most certainly entitled to have), he was going to beat somebody up.

Unfortunately for him, the two people standing in front of him were fully capable of beating back.

"G-Gaara… N-Neji…"

Two identical masks of cold anger glared accusingly back at him.

Naruto quailed under the sheer weight of their combined glares, which also happened to be radiating pure, unadulterated angst. Being the village outcast, the blonde was used to angst, but not angst of this scale. He could practically see the dark clouds hovering over their heads. Then again, why was he even surprised? Sabaku no Gaara and Hyuuga Neji practically _invented_ angst.

They had even turned it into a form of _art_.

"Listen, guys," he began warily, "whatever you heard-"

"-had better not be true," Gaara interrupted frostily. "The relationship between yourself and Uchiha is purely platonic, correct? You are only team-mates. Rivals. _Friends_ at most."

Naruto flinched. He was grateful that their presence was keeping the mob of fangirls away, but did Gaara have to say friends like it was a _dirty_ word? "Yeah… something like t-that… I g-guess. I mean, we are in the same team, even if he is a conceited bastard."

Neji took a step forward. His pale eyes glowed with raw emotion and when he spoke, all the tragedy and despair of his young life was manifested in one simple accusation, and he could not hold himself back.

"You _defied _fate."

Naruto took a step back. "W-What are you talking about?"

"You knew we were meant to be together. You knew ever since we faced each other in the Chuunin exams and you changed my life but you still defied fate! With Sasuke!"

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"…Neji, I think you need help."

Yes, that was a perfectly logical explanation as far as Naruto was concerned. The cursed seal on his forehead must have dissolved his brain. Or the constant angst had finally done what it had been threatening to do for years and driven the Hyuuga prodigy insane. Anything was better than believing that Hyuuga Neji and Sabaku no Gaara were fighting over who got to _be_ with him.

Neji stared at the younger boy with a perplexed expression. "But… Naruto-kun…" he faltered, unable to comprehend that his beloved was denying fate, denying his destiny as the future life-partner of Hyuuga Neji.

Something snapped inside the brunette. He lunged forward, grabbing Naruto by his jacket.

"How can you deny fate? How can you deny the birds?"

"What the hell does a _bird_ have to do with fate?"

Neji pointed his finger upwards to where a lone eagle spiraled in the afternoon sky. As the three boys watched in silence, the haunting call filtered down to them. Neji smiled.

"Hear that, Naruto-kun?" he whispered rapturously. "That is the sound of fate, a sure sign that you are meant to be with me!"

"…Okay, now I _know_ you need counseling."

Neji's face fell.

Gaara smirked.

As soon as he felt the hands grasping his jacket slacken, Naruto began to edge away from the two volatile boys. "Uh, I just remembered that I…" his brow furrowed as he struggled to think of an excuse good enough to fool Neji and Gaara. He needn't have worried, though. The two were captivated enough by how adorable he looked with his cheeks scrunched up and his lips pouted in concentration.

"…have an emergency mission from the Hokage! Yeah, an important mission vital to the safety of the village, so I have to leave right now or we all might _die_–"

"Not before you hear what I have to say."

Naruto whimpered as Gaara stepped closer to him. Neji, an obstinate look on his face, tried to edge closer to the blonde, but tendrils of sand wrapped themselves around his feet and stopped him where he stood.

"Stay out of this, Hyuuga."

The brunette scowled.

"Naruto, no-one has ever understood me the way you do. Remember how you told me that you understood what I was going through so much that it actually hurt?"

The kitsune gulped, but nodded.

Gaara nodded in a satisfied sort of way. "That proves it. Naruto belongs to me."

Neji blinked. "Excuse me, Gaara, but I believe I have first claim. He did change my life _before_ yours."

"If not for Naruto, Konoha would be a smoldering pile of rubble by now. You on the other hand would merely be another angst-ridden emo. Clearly, my needs are far more important than yours. Besides," the suna nin added smugly, "we are both jinchuuriki, therefore I have a better emotional and physical connection with Naruto than you could ever hope for, Hyuuga."

"But –"

The turquoise eyes narrowed. "I'll kill you if you come near him again."

Neji stilled, hardly daring to believe what he was hearing. "It would be a grave mistake to get in the way of fate, Gaara," he warned. "Naruto and I were meant to be."

"I don't care. I'll kill you. And once I'm done with you, I'll kill Uchiha."

"Gaara, that might be going a little too far…" Naruto began, but was interrupted by Neji.

"At least I'm not completely psychotic. Don't you think Naruto-kun deserves someone with a little sanity?"

Gaara didn't bat an eyelid.

Naruto squeaked, throwing himself to one side as a wave of sand barrelled towards Neji. The other boy, not to be outdone in the battle for his beloved kitsune, dodged the sand gracefully, activating his Byakugan as he skidded to a stop on the ground.

He hurtled across the street, flinging himself around a tree just in time to avoid a barrage of shuriken. Risking a glance, he peered around the exposed root he was huddled against to see Gaara and Neji unleashing their fury on each other in an explosion of sand and chakra.

But through it all, Naruto could only wonder about one thing.

_Who the heck told them I was gay?_

_

* * *

_

Itachi had always suspected that the Leader had a very twisted sense of humour. However, he never would have guessed that he would be so fond of torturing his subordinates: assigning Uchiha Itachi a partner who refused to shut up had to be the most sadistic thing the Leader could have done. Granted, Kisame often let his mouth run away with him, but Itachi could always stop him with a pointed glare – but glaring at Tobi had absolutely no effect. In fact, the idiot even seemed to _enjoy_ the extra attention. He was skipping along next to Itachi, pausing every now and then to pick a flower to add to the bunch already cradled in his cloak, completely unaware of the fact that Itachi could have (and would have) killed him ten times over already.

"…you hardly ever see your brother, Itachi-san, so you must miss him a lot. If I had a little brother, I would miss him. Do you miss Sasuke, Itachi-san?"

Itachi closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose hard. "No."

"…do you think he misses you?"

"He wants to kill me," the Konoha missing-nin replied flatly.

"He's probably just misunderstood, Itachi-san. Teenagers often are," Tobi said knowingly. "I think deep, deep down he still loves his aniki very much."

Itachi sighed. He was beginning to understand why Deidara attempted to kill his fruitcake of a partner at least once every day. He was also beginning to realize that his Leader was more of a cruel bastard than all of his subordinates put together.

"Ne, Itachi-san, are we going to Konoha so you can congratulate your brother?"

"No. I'm going to kill him."

Tobi frowned. "That's not a very brotherly thing to do, Itachi-san."

Itachi gave him a _look_. "I don't care."

The pair walked on in silence until Itachi felt a tentative tug on his cloak. He stopped and turned to glare at his companion, who smiled back nervously from behind his mask.

"This had better be important, Tobi."

There was a timid pause.

"Itachi-san… if your brother asks you to be his best man, do you think he would let me be one of the groomsmen?"

Itachi didn't even bother answering. He had enough of a headache as it was.

They reached the borders of Konoha in record time, with Itachi managing to keep his Mangekyou Sharingan directed at anything but Tobi (much to the misfortune of a few random birds and a deer), and Tobi had gathered a rather impressive bouquet. The Uchiha would have asked why he was gathering flowers, but then again, he didn't care.

His temporary partner glanced around curiously. He had never been in Konoha before, but he knew that Itachi had lived here once. "Do you feel sad about seeing your old village again, Itachi-san?"

"Tobi."

"Yes, Itachi-san?"

"There will be no more questions until we complete the mission. Understand?"

The masked shinobi nodded meekly.

"Good." The Uchiha turned and marched towards the village entrance, sending the two guards to sleep with one glance from his Sharingan eyes. Tobi bounced after him, almost colliding with his back and crushing his precious flowers when Itachi stopped suddenly.

He rotated slowly on the spot, crimson eyes fixing on the source of the massive influx of chakra invading his senses. It was not Naruto… but the Kyuubi was still close by… _very close_.

Itachi glanced at Tobi, who snapped instantly to attention. He knew that what he was about to do was potentially catastrophic, and the punishment that Leader-sama would inflict on him promised to be fatal.

Each member of the Akatsuki had been given explicit instructions to never _ever_ leave Tobi without supervision under peril of death. Leader-sama had always made it very clear to his subordinates that each of their asses would be replaced in a heartbeat if they stepped out of line.

But he had to confront Naruto and Sasuke on his own. There was no telling what Tobi would do in close proximity to his kitsune. Surely he could do much less damage if left to his own devices… the boy was a complete fruitcake, not even capable of hurting a fly as he had proven time and time again to the organization. Then Itachi thought of the sparkling cerulean eyes and sun-kissed blonde hair that awaited him, and that made up his mind.

"Wait here for me," he said abruptly, reaching into his sleeve for a kunai. "_And stay out of trouble_."

Without another word, Itachi vanished in a puff of smoke.

Tobi stood frozen for a few seconds until the full impact of his situation hit him.

Itachi-san had left him.

Itachi-san had left him… _all alone_.

"Wait! Don't leave me, Itachi-san!"

But he was gone.

The masked nin glanced around him fearfully. He was all alone in an unfamiliar place… and Deidara-senpai had warned him about what happened to good boys who found themselves alone and helpless… Tobi whimpered, clutching the flowers against his chest and sliding to the ground. The poor blossoms made a crunching sound and his gaze flew down.

_The flowers... of course!_

Tobi drew in a deep, shuddering breath. He had a duty as Itachi-san's temporary partner and as the self-proclaimed good boy of the Akatsuki. It was a duty that transcended all fears and doubts. He knew what he had to do, and he was going to do it no matter what.

Flooded with renewed determination, Tobi shot to his feet.

He knew the _perfect_ way to help Itachi-san with the mission.

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was in an unusually good mood that day.

He had just returned from a harrowing two-day mission with a glowing report from the client (which might have had to with the fact that his young male client had been completely smitten with the gorgeous Uchiha, but Sasuke refused to acknowledge this and chalked it up to his exceptional shinobi skills instead) and his favourite vendor had procured a bag of plump, juicy tomatoes for him. Coupled with the fresh onigiri he had just bought, Sasuke was in heaven.

He never even noticed that the village was unusually quiet that day. All he wanted was a hot shower and some quality time with his tomatoes and onigiri in front of the television. And come heaven or hell, he was going to make sure he got it.

Less than half an hour later, Sasuke was settled in his custom-made pajamas (patterned with the Uchiha clan symbol) on the couch, mouth watering at the prospect of sinking his teeth into a ripe tomato. His eyes ran over the tempting red curves, his fingers caressed the firm flesh as he lifted it to his mouth.

Than some asshole intent on ruining his entire evening knocked on the door.

Sasuke cursed, but got up to answer it. He doubted it was anything important because the Hokage was aware that he had just returned from a mission. Tch, it was probably just a fangirl wanting to welcome him home. He always tried ignoring them, but some of the more persistent kunoichi would stand there for hours, just knocking. He would simply open the door, tell her to bugger off, and then he could get back to his beloved tomatoes in peace.

Shuffling to the entrance of his apartment in socked feet, Sasuke yanked the door open, fully expecting to be faced with one of the hundreds of fangirls who populated Konoha.

What he was greeted with, however, was something _else_.

"What the hell?" he said blankly.

Tobi looked back at him. With a bright smile, he held out the flowers. "Congratulations, Sasuke-kun!" he exclaimed joyfully.


	3. The Power of Angst

**Tricks of the Trade **

**Chapter Three**

**A/N: **Yeah, it's been a loooong time coming, but its here and it will not be abandoned in the future.

Enjoy XD

**

* * *

**

**Six Hours Earlier**

* * *

Umino Iruka woke up that morning an immensely satisfied man. The reason for his satisfaction was quite obvious and snuggled right beside him.

Or rather it _should_ have been.

Iruka opened his eyes and yawned, simultaneously reaching out his arms to ensnare his lover around the waist for his wake-up cuddle. He blinked sleepily, fumbling in the empty space on the bed where Kakashi was supposed to be lying. His arms slowed as his brain kindly informed the Chuunin that something was clearly missing.

"Kakashi…?"

No reply.

He blinked again, grumbling unhappily as he buried his head into his pillow.

Kakashi was not in bed. Kakashi was not in bed with Iruka. Moreover, if Kakashi was not in bed with Iruka it meant Kakashi was forcing his lover to relinquish his wake-up snuggle.

The bastard!

Iruka rolled over his back, glaring at the ceiling. One second was all it took to tell him that Kakashi was indeed gone; only faint traces of his chakra remained in the apartment. Too faint to be recent, so the jounin had left some hours ago, Iruka surmised quickly.

The scar across his nose wrinkled in a petulant frown.

There was something niggling in the back of his mind. He had the strangest feeling that he had forgotten something very important, but that his wild antics last night –courtesy of and instigated by his lover, Hatake Kakashi– had wiped whatever it was from his memory.

Iruka also had the slightest suspicion that Kakashi had seduced him with precisely that purpose in mind. It was exactly the kind of thing his lover _would_ do, forcing his tardy habits on a schoolteacher.

And speaking of school…

"Oh hell," he muttered, sitting up quickly and gazing blearily at the clock. If he didn't get up now, he would be late for class and have to suffer the snide remarks of the other teachers who knew _exactly_ what the source of his tardiness was as of late, and the students cheeky enough to point out any suspicious looking bruises. Which Konohamaru would not be able to resist for sure.

As he threw on random articles of clothing while balancing a piece of toast in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other, he wondered if it was too much to hope that Kakashi would manage to be on time to meet with his three genins, wherever he had gone. It probably would be asking too much from the jounin.

Iruka sighed, knowing that his lunch hour would be spent listening to Naruto bitch about Kakashi being late while the latter sat in the corner eating Iruka's obento and nodding sagely every time his name cropped up. Then of course Naruto would complain that he wasn't getting any lunch and proceed to demand a share of Iruka's, which inevitably led to a fight since Kakashi was not prepared to share anything that had to with Iruka, even his lunch.

It was annoying, namely because certain other shinobi were too 'busy' reading porn or becoming the next Hokage to help clean up after the inevitable fight, but Iruka dealt with it. Kakashi would get that softened look in his eye whenever he teased one of his students –which never failed to make Iruka broody– and Naruto was adorable when he sulked.

And speaking of Naruto…

Iruka froze, the toast still dangling from his mouth and the mug slipped from his fingers, rolling onto the kitchen table and spilling coffee everywhere.

Oh.

Naruto.

_Naruto_.

Naruto was… Naruto was…

"Gay!"

* * *

**Present Time**

**

* * *

  
**

Uchiha Sasuke was a shinobi. Thus, as a shinobi, and a reasonably experienced one at that, he had seen and dealt with all kinds of strange and unnatural phenomenon. You name it; Uchiha Sasuke had probably seen and done it, with the t-shirt to prove it.

But the crucial point was that Sasuke _expected _most of what ever came his way. It came with the job description you see, so he had been fully aware from the start that freaky shit would come his way whether he liked it or not.

He was not aware, however, that freaky shit included a member of the Akatsuki pitching up at his door for the sole purpose of bringing him _flowers_.

No, there had to be a mistake. There was no way this man could be a member of one of the most feared organizations on the planet. The signature cloak had to be a fake. It was impossible to think that the group which recruited the most dangerous shinobi in existence, including _the_ Uchiha Itachi, had also recruited a shinobi with an aura about as menacing as a cupcake.

Sasuke regarded the tall man more suspiciously, convinced this was a ploy – and the only culprit he could think of was Orochimaru. The Akatsuki wouldn't move against him. They had no reason to, not when they wanted Junchuriki.

His fingers twitched. In terms of defence, Sasuke had a kunai in his boxers, and he was pretty sure there was a stack of shuriken hidden behind his umbrella. Coupled with his Sharingan, it should be enough to drive this moron off if he tried anything funny.

Tobi, in the meanwhile, had started shuffling nervously under the threatening gaze. It was quite presumptuous to turn up uninvited on someone's doorstep, it was downright rude, and he shuddered at the implications that imposed on his 'good boy' image. Nevertheless, he was a man on a mission, a mission where failure was not an option, and he bravely thrust the flowers out again.

"Congratulations, Sasuke!" he repeated, trying to inject all the enthusiasm he could muster into his voice.

Sasuke jerked out of reach of the long fingers, and stared at him warily. Inwardly, his brain was working overtime trying to figure out how this guy could possibly be a threat. Orochimaru was officially out of his mind. All the Viagra that Sasuke had seen the Sannin surreptitiously stuffing down his throat must have finally taken its toll.

"Goddammit," he muttered under his breath, rubbing his temple. "I told him not to pull any crap like this."

"Um… I hope I'm not intruding, but… um… Tobi brought you flowers!"

"Yeah," the younger Uchiha said dryly. "I can see that, er, Tobi."

Tobi beamed, forcing the bouquet into his stiff arms.

Was this even worth panicking for? This Tobi was clearly nuts, and would probably run off screaming if Sasuke as much poked him with his little finger.

Sasuke handled the flowers awkwardly, a nerve beginning to pulse erratically under his eye. "Listen," he said abruptly. "You can tell Orochimaru the answer's still no. I'm not going back to Sound to him. And if he doesn't stop sending me nude pictures of himself, I'm going to–"

"You mean Orochimaru-san won't be invited to the wedding?" Tobi interrupted, sounding crestfallen.

"No," Sasuke said, slowly and empathetically. "Orochimaru will not be coming to the wedding. Orochimaru can go rot in hell – wait, what did you say?"

"Your wedding," Tobi chirped. "Orochimaru-san will be invited, right? I think it's only polite that you invite someone who's had such an influence on your life," he finished, nodding knowingly.

'Influence' wasn't exactly how Sasuke would describe Orochimaru's effect on his life.

Molestation, probably, paedophilia, even better still. Hah, cursed seal his ass. The man had left a hickey on his neck when he was twelve-years old. The man wanted his _body_ and openly told everyone about his plans. But he digressed. That wasn't the point. The point was that Tobi seemed to think he was somehow involved in a wedding.

_His_ wedding of all things.

"My wedding? Who the hell am _I_ getting married to? Oh god, if Sakura or Ino have been spreading rumours again, I swear I'll–"

Tobi made a tsk-tsk noise and bent down slightly to waggle his finger in front of the shell-shocked boy. "Sasuke-kun, how could you have forgotten such an important detail? Your wedding will be one of the most important days of you life, the beginning of your life, one that you and your husband will always be able to go back and remember while you sit rocking on a porch in the retirement village…gah!"

Sasuke had yanked on the front of his cloak to bring him down to eye-level. "What do you mean my _husband_?" he demanded frostily. "I'm not gay!"

"B-But your fiancé," the man squeaked. "Naruto-kun is a boy. He can't be your wife!"

"N-Naruto? As in _Uzumaki_ Naruto?"

Tobi nodded vigorously, hoping that Sasuke would loosen his grip and stop crushing his trachea. Unfortunately, the teenager had no intention of it.

"What the fuck– you think I'm going to marry _Naruto_? You think that the biggest fucking idiot this side of the galaxy is going to be my_ wife_?"

"Sasuke, that's not a very nice way to talk about your future husband–"

"Wife!" the Uchiha snapped without thinking.

"Okay, _wife_," Tobi gasped, clutching his throat. "C-Can you let go now, please? I think I just heard something crack…"

Sasuke baulked but continued to throttle the poor masked nin. "No, no! Naruto is not going to be my wife–" he refused to say the word 'husband' "–or get married to me! I'm the heir of the Uchiha clan, I have to marry a woman and have babies, dammit!"

"But you're in love with Naruto-kun!"

Sasuke's grip tightened.

"Everyone says so!"

Sasuke let out a wordless snarl.

Tobi scrabbled helplessly at the hands encircling his throat. "B-But Sasuke-kun," he choked out. "Even Itachi-san came to congratulate you! T-That's why we came to Konoha!"

At the sound of his brother's name, the younger Uchiha froze, and his grip slackened. Tobi fell onto his knees, massaging his bruised throat gratefully.

"Thank you, Sas– ack!"

Sasuke had grabbed him again. "You said Itachi was in Konoha," he snarled, hauling Tobi up until their faces were only an inch apart. "Is he after Naruto? Tell me!"

Even though he was slowly and progressively being strangled, Tobi still managed to beam.

"Are you getting jealous? That is so cute! But you don't have to worry, I'm sure Itachi-san would never steal Naruto away from you. I know, he did say he was only coming to kill you, but he'll probably pop around to say congratulations after he says hello to Naruto-kun…"

The younger boy paled, yet a small part of him still marvelled at the sheer stupidity being exhibited by this so-called Akatsuki member.

"Where did he go?" he snarled again.

"I don't know," Tobi squeaked. "But if you want to know, do what Kisame-san always does to find Itachi."

"And what's that?"

"Listen for any screams and head in that direction," the masked nin supplied helpfully. "It never fails."

* * *

Naruto was running. He was running faster than he had ever run in his life, fast enough to outrun the most fit and limber of jounins. Sweat was dripping into the collar of his shirt, leaving his face bright pink and eyes stinging. And the screaming, oh god, the screaming echoing in his ears…

"Naruto-kun, come back!"

Neji was running after him, silky hair whipping artfully behind him as he leaped gracefully over the people who happened who happened to be in the way. Gaara followed, calmly blasting those same people out of his way, looking, as most now deceased shinobi could probably tell you, extremely pissed.

"Why are you running from destiny?" came the anguished voice from behind him.

Naruto flung a panicked look over his shoulder, barely holding back a whimper. Not far behind Neji and Gaara were hoards of women — and ordinarily, Naruto would have been quite chuffed at being chased by this many women. However, these were no ordinary females. They were fangirls. A legion of enraged _ninja_ fangirls, each capable of inflicting mass destruction and unbearable agony all in the name of their beloved Sasuke.

No. No, he could not allow himself to end at the hands of fangirls. Especially fangirls dedicated to that bastard. He was going to be Hokage, dammit! He would not allow his dream to be crushed by such a pathetic enemy!

"Naruto, tell me why!" Neji's stricken voice came again, steadily rising in pitch as his inner torment levels soared. "Tell me why you're leaving me behind! I can't stand it! I need you! Come baaaack!"

And then there was Neji. Neji, who had once wanted (and tried) to beat him into the ground, now wanted to beat his ass instead. _Literally_. Not that Gaara was any better. While he may not have been bellowing how lonely and lovesick he was, Naruto swore that his turquoise eyes were darkened with — not violence, not anger or frustration but lust. Pure, unadulterated lust. For _him_.

Naruto took the chance to wheeze in a gasping breath, pumping his arms and legs harder. Running away while Neji and Gaara beat each other to a pulp had seemed like a good idea at the time. Hiding behind a tree certainly wasn't going to protect him from those two. Naruto was good, but he wasn't _that_ good. In any event, it had been a good plan until the two love rivals decided that they'd much rather chase him and fight it out along the way, much to the dismay of Konoha's residents.

"Ah, to see such a fine display of youthful passion! Truly, my heart is overflowing with joy at seeing such splendour!"

Naruto's eyes lit up. "Gai-sensei!" he cried in relief.

The jounin beamed at being greeted with such enthusiasm – one could only get so much out of being greeted by Neji's dour face every day and he didn't seem to mind that Naruto's 'enthusiasm' was as a consequence of running for his life _and _his virginity. Gai looked at the approaching cloud of destruction, oblivious to the overpowering haze of hatred and lust, and then down at the desperate boy clinging to his waist.

"Please," the boy pleaded, clutching a handful of luminous spandex in one fist. "You have to make them stop. I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna die if they don't stop!"

"Nonsense," the older shinobi replied amiably. "Lee told me everything. There's nothing like indulging in the sports of love to get the blood flowing!"

"No, no, no, you don't _understand_–"

"And Neji, my boy. Such a noble pursuit! Ah, and even the youth of Suna cannot resist the allure of springtime!" Gai winked at Naruto, mistaking the boy's look of revulsion for helpless passion.

Fighting the bile threatening to burst out of his throat, Naruto turned his horrified gaze to meet Neji's stricken eyes, and Gaara's lust-filled ones. He whimpered pathetically and scampered behind the jounin's back. Gai only chuckled indulgently, grasping Naruto firmly by his jacket and hauling him back around. Naruto dangled helplessly in Gai's grip, too exhausted to fight back.

_Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit…what am I going to do now? No, what _can_ I do?_ Naruto fretted, twitching in agitation._ Gai-sensei's not gonna save me, he's giving them advice on how to catch me!_

His eyes flicked to the growing crowd of women clamouring for his blood. They huddled in a mass at a distance from where Gaara and Neji were making their stand, muttering amongst themselves and glaring daggers at the poor boy. Each poisonous stare seemed to penetrate his skin and he cringed. The bonus was that none of the women would dare to lay a finger on him while two psychotic teenagers were openly proclaiming their love for him.

And Maito Gai, elite jounin of Konoha and the self-proclaimed rival of Hatake Kakashi, was proving once again to be utterly useless.

"…no way to conduct proper courtship. Your beloved must _feel_ your passion, not _run_ from it. Poor Naruto is overwhelmed, you need to nurture him like a delicate flower – the flames of romance must be allowed to grow before they can ignite! Let Naruto see that passion smoulder in your eyes, before you pursue him with your youthful energy!"

Naruto began to cry silently while Neji stood with a stoic look on his face, having heard this exaggerated and useless speech a thousand times before. Gaara, however, nodded thoughtfully as he listened to the older man's romantic counsel. The art of romance wasn't exactly a topic in Suna's shinobi syllabus and as Kazekage, it was his duty to gain knowledge of techniques that would benefit his village. Yes, Gaara's sex-life _was_ beneficial to Suna: a sexually-deprived and frustrated Kazekage was lethal to the villagers; they remembered the destruction puberty had brought upon them.

"But what if," the redhead said slowly, "Naruto doesn't want to acknowledge the passion in my eyes? What if–" and an ugly look was pointed at Neji, "– I have a _rival_ in my affections?"

White teeth flashed. "A rival in love! There is no worthier opponent!"

Gaara's frown deepened. "I don't _want _a rival in love," he declared flatly. "Just Naruto."

"But… but there must be a rival! Without a rival in the stormy game of love… there is no passion, no thrill of the pursuit!"

"I don't think," Gaara said slowly, "that passion will be a problem for Naruto and I. Even without this rival."

Naruto wilted as the red-haired boy favoured him with a predatory smile. He contemplated trying to smother himself in luminous green spandex but the thought of getting that close to Gai's body made being manhandled by Gaara and Neji sound appealing.

"No, no, no! Without the thrill of competing for your beloved's affections, how can the flames of passion stir into being? How can you prove that your love is worthy if there is no rival?"

A moment of silence allowed Maito Guy to mistakenly belief that his words had a profound impact on his young audience. Neji, having learned to tune out his teacher's 'advice', stood with a longing expression contorting his feminine features. Naruto shuddered as the Hyuuga persisted in throwing sultry winks in Naruto's direction and flicking his long hair over one shoulder in what was clearly mean to be a provocative gesture.

It took Gaara a moment to process the so-called 'life lesson'.

"But I have _two_ rivals," Gaara pointed out, brow furrowed. "Hyuuga _and_ Uchiha."

"The more rivals, the more passionate the hunt!"

Neji sighed.

"But if there are no rivals, Naruto will not be distracted. His attentions are free to focus on _me_."

"Yes, but–"

"Your theory is flawed," Gaara said flatly. "These rivals are getting in the way of my relationship with Naruto, therefore they must be eliminated. I see no other solution."

Flustered, Gai could only bluster, "My boy, I don't think you understand. The game of love, she requires the struggles of passion, she needs–"

"–only Naruto and I. _No one_ else." He turned to Neji, giving the older boy a cold look. "Leaving no place for you, Hyuuga."

"I thought we agreed to get rid of Uchiha together," Neji said, annoyance carving a line on his forehead.

"Plans change."

"I'm not going to just stand here and let you steal him from me, Sabaku."

"No," Gaara agreed, swinging the heavy gourd from his back to rest at his feet. "I didn't think you would. But with you gone, Hyuuga, there's one less rival to interrupt my relationship with Naruto."

"Now, see here, boys," Gai blustered, sensing the obscene levels of chakra being raised in the middle of his village.

"Sensei, this is a competition between rivals of love. You wouldn't stand in the way of a contest of passion, would you?"

The jounin gave his student a helpless look, beginning to realise the flames of adolescent hormone-driven fury he had fanned into being. "Then if you boys feel you must release your passions, why not take it _out_ of the village?" he suggested. "That way–"

"That way the old hag might be able to salvage something out of the rubble after you beat the crap out of each other," Naruto mumbled, receiving an apprehensive glance from Gai, who was beginning to realise that Naruto's 'paranoia' wasn't playing hard to get, but really running for his life.

"Naruto," he said in a loud whisper, "I think we should run."

"No. _Really_?"

"Yes. I think we should run very fast and very far away."

"Sensei, we're standing right here. We can hear every word you're saying," Neji reminded his teacher politely.

"Of course," Gai said lamely. "I knew that."

"Then. Start. Running!" Naruto hissed.

ZOOM!

Neji blinked as a blast of energy whipped past him and the green blur shot down the street. His fragile heart pinched inside his chest cavity at the thought that his beloved was being taken from him by his teacher, and he let out a loud wail.

"NARUTO-KUN! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!"

The Hyuuga prodigy bolted, leaving Gaara to stare after him. With his severely delayed reaction time, it took the Suna youth a full minute to realise that his prey (Neji or Naruto, take your pick) was getting away.

"Oh bother," he sighed, hefting the heavy gourd onto his back. He bent his knees, preparing for the fast-paced sprint that ninjas had perfected, but in that instant something brushed against the back of the head. He blinked, turning to see a picture fluttering to the ground. Curious, Gaara bent to pick it up.

It was a picture of Uchiha Sasuke. In his underwear. _Half-naked_.

Gaara suddenly became aware of extreme, murderous danger and he raised his head. He was surrounded by the mob of fangirls. Fangirls whose gazes were all fixed on the picture.

The world erupted into high-pitched squeals of joy.

"OMG, SASUKE-KUN!"

A thousand swooning fangirls slammed into Gaara. Unable to fight back, he slipped into oblivion as the he was swallowed into the swirling maelstrom of bishonen desire.

* * *

Naruto needed a plan.

He _had_ a plan, but it sucked. Badly. Not that anyone should be surprised by that.

He reasoned (and by this we mean grasped at the first thought that bothered to show up in his head) that since Gai was proving to be very dangerous he had to convince Gai to let him go. And since the jounin was now intent on 'saving' Naruto, it would take a masterful stroke to do that.

So he had to persuade Gai, and appealing to his ridiculous sense of romanticism was the only way to do it.

"Gai-sensei," he began as they streaked through the streets of Konoha. "You heard about all this from Lee, right?"

"Yes, my faithful student relayed every detail of your youthful escapades to me as soon as he heard. The information was even verified by the ANBU! I never realised that Lee had such superb information gathering skills!" Tears of pride glowed in his eyes and he jogged with an extra spring in his step.

The ANBU had heard the rumours? The ANBU had _confirmed _the rumours? Even if it was their business to about everything that happened in the village, this was going too far. Moreover, if the ANBU endorsed any intelligence gathered in the village, it was presented in a report to the Hokage. Which meant that even the old hag Tsunade knew about his supposed love for Sasuke!

"Then you heard about–" Naruto swallowed, squeezing the bitter words out of his mouth. "You heard about Sasuke. That I'm… I'm in l-love with Sasuke."

"Of course. The entire village has never been happier to hear the tale of your passionate affair with Sasuke-kun. Because between you and me, Naruto-kun," and Gai bent closer to his ear to whisper, "Sasuke-kun is far too uptight. A heated, youthful love is exactly what that boy needs!"

_Control yourself, Uzumaki_. _Just breathe_.

_1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10… and exhale_.

"T-Then, Gai-sensei," he continued, strain cracking his voice. "Why are you…" _Spit it out, Uzumaki!_ "Why are you standing in the way of true love? I'm- I'm missing the springtime of my youth here because you're keeping me here away from Sasuke! You hear me? I… I want S-Sasuke!"

_My god, _Naruto thought_. How low have I sunk? _

* * *

"Tsunade-saaaama!"

Shizuna tore down the corridor, flinging herself around the corner at break-neck speed.

"Out—" she gasped, frantically waving her arms at the people directly in her path. "Out of my way— please, for the love of god!"

Amidst raised brows and surprised yelps, Shizuna hurtled forward, leaving a trail of gaping shinobi and a flurry of loose documents. The normally composed and sweet-natured kunoichi's mind was in such disarray that she didn't even realise the commotion she was causing. Well, whatever happened in the Hokage's tower was nothing compared to the chaotic forces wreaking havoc in the streets of Konoha. It was the worst disaster since Orochimaru's attack, no, it had the potential to be _more_ devastating.

"Tsunade-sama!" she screeched again, throwing herself against the door to the Hokage's office and bursting through. Shizuna clung to the doorframe, panting and gasping desperately to catch her breath.

"Tsunade-sama!" she cried in relief, tears gathering in her eyes when she saw the familiar blonde head seated behind the desk. "It's… an emergency! You have to come quick before the entire village is destroyed!"

"Wass wrong —_hic_— Shizuna? Wass got your panties in such a —_hic_— twisht?"

Shizuna blinked and she stepped further into the room, dread and suspicion beginning to creep upon her. "Tsunade-sama…" she began falteringly before the kunoichi stopped, aghast as a familiar whiff crawled up her nose. "Have you been _drinking_?"

Tsunade, the esteemed Hokage and protector of the Hidden Leaf, was slumped in her chair, legs sprawled over the expensive woodwork of her desk, cheeks flushed with twin spots of colour.

She was, without a doubt, roaring drunk at three o'clock in the afternoon. Again. For the second time that week. And it was only _Tuesday_.

"No better time than now," she hiccupped, grinning broadly. "Ne, Shizuna, come have a drink with me."

"How can you drink your way through a crisis?" Shizuna cried, tearing at her hair. "Konoha is being ripped apart while you're just sitting there! You're the Hokage! Do something!"

Tsunade waved a hand nonchalantly, the bottle in her hand tipping dangerously. "Relax, relax, I haven't had this much fun in ages —whoopsie!"

Shizuna held her face in her hands as the older blonde, now giggling, dived after the bottle of sake. "Oh no," she moaned. "Konoha's being attacked internally and you're drinking. I knew this going to happen eventually. I _knew_ it. That's why I took the alcohol you had hidden in your desk and—" she paused, eyes widening in sudden realisation.

"Tsunade-sama," she said slowly, "where did all this alcohol come from?"

The Godaime just shrugged whimsically, taking another swig of sake. "'s magic."

"No, no, you got it from somewhere…" the kunoichi peered into the filing cabinets and lifted Tsunade's limp legs to look under the desk. Upon finding nothing but empty bottles, she straightened and bit her lip.

That left only the vault. The vault where Tsunade kept her most personal documents locked away from prying eyes.

Shizuna swallowed, throat tightening with trepidation. With shaking hands, she formed the series of seals known only to her and Tsunade that would unlock the vault secreted in the Hokage's tower. She placed the palm of one hand on the door and the formed seal gleamed, acknowledging her presence and swinging open.

The shelves, previously stocked with important and rare documents and scrolls, were now filled with bottle upon bottle of sake. And not cheap alcohol, oh no. It was expensive, Shizune recognised the quality and brand on sight.

Oh god, just _looking_ at the stacks of bottles made her feel woozy. To make matters worse, the empty bottles tossed in the vault in addition to the ones behind Tsunade's desk made it patently obvious _why_ the Hokage was, in a word, completely smashed. "Where did you get the money to buy this much alcohol?" she cried, utterly horrified. "You couldn't have… you couldn't have used money from the treasury to buy all of this!"

The Godaime smiled drunkenly, raising her bottle in a toast and tipping another helping of sake into her cup. "Ish a secret," she declared stubbornly. "I promished I wouldn't tell anyone 'bout him. He made me shwear. Besides, this ish just a little lover's spat, nothin' to worry about. Naruto's doin' jush fine…"

Shizuna blanched. "But… but Uchiha Itachi was spotted within Konoha! We have to sound the alert! We have to evacuate all the children and civilians! You must give the order and gather every jounin to capture him! Naruto's life is in danger!"

"No worries, its jush a lover's spat!"

Eyes livid, Shizuna marched over to the window and jabbed her finger at the spirals of grey smoke rising from the village. "You call _that_ a lover's spat? The village is being destroyed!"

Tsunade blinked blearily at the sharp increase of pitch in her protégé's voice, and tipped forward in her chair to get a better look.

"So… wass' your point?"

* * *

Despair. The endless void of despair was spiralling, ensnaring him in its dark embrace once more. He could hear the taunt rising from the endless abyss, and the voice of his brother slid through him like the blades of a thousand kunai.

_Foolish little brother_… _You wish to take revenge? Then_ _hate me, live in an unsightly manner… _

Sasuke despaired, clutching the darkness to him with the practiced air of one who had been drowned in angst from the age of six. Having had years of perfecting the art of teenage angst, the Uchiha drew on all the dark skills at his disposal and engulfed himself in black misery. He was completely justified to do so based on the intelligence he had gathered thus far:

The _entire village_ thought he was in love with Naruto.

His _brother_, the man who had murdered the entire Uchiha clan in one night, was probably in love with Naruto.

And that said psychotic brother was here, in Konoha, presumably _because_ he had heard such rumours.

Sasuke, adrift in a sea of melancholy and suffering, was aware that he was in great danger. In fact, he was royally screwed and his despair deepened to the very depths of his tortured soul.

The man beside him was growing steadily alarmed at the ominous cloud continuously expanding over the boy's head. Tobi had witnessed bouts of melancholy before –most of the Akatsuki were partial to them every once in a while– but never _this _kind of angst. Worry began to gnaw at his stomach. That cloud looked awfully unnatural and terribly dangerous. He could just imagine how upset Itachi-san would be if something horrible happened to his baby brother.

"Sasuke-kun…" he ventured timidly, "are you all right?"

The only response was a low tortured moan from beneath the cloud of angst. Anxiously, Tobi poked a finger at the cloud. His finger didn't even make a dent in the stiff mass. Curiosity sparked and he poked harder until the mass gave way and a neat, finger-sized hole appeared in the cloud. Tobi let out a low 'ooh' of surprise and poked again, this time dislodging a puff of cloud. It drifted up on a slight breeze, as lonely and tragic figure as its young creator. Tobi giggled and batted it with his hand, watching it bounce away from him

"Cut that out, moron!"

"But, Sasuke-kun, I'm bored…."

Sasuke scowled, the other man's whine grinding at the edges of his frayed nerves.

"…and I'm tired and hungry. Itachi-san must be worried about me by now, and he's probably worried sick about you by now…"

"I doubt that." The Uchiha heir shifted under the cloud, pulling the shadows more snugly around his shoulders as he brooded his dilemma. Obviously the only solution was to kill Itachi. He had been planning it for years. Surely by now he knew _how_ he was going to do it. He certainly had no idea how he was going to quell the rumours. Rumours were monstrous beasts far beyond his capability to destroy.

"Sasuke-kun, are you sure that cloud is… healthy? Your skin is looking awfully pale."

"It always looks pale," he muttered defensively. "It's my natural colour, idiot."

"Oh." Tobi swung his legs over the edge of the roof, surveying the village. If you ignored the screams and smoke, it was a rather lovely place. He hummed cheerfully to himself for a few minutes until Sasuke got to his feet.

"Where are we going now?"

"_I'm_ going to kill Itachi."

"That's… not very nice, Sasuke-kun."

"Yeah… look, I don't care."

Pursing his lips doubtfully, Tobi followed Sasuke over the rooftops. Once they had gone, Iruka stepped out from his hiding place where he had been dampening his chakra to avoid detection. Oh my, he thought anxiously. This entire mess was worse than he thought. He stared out at the smoking village, wincing at the screams of terror. Concern for his students knotted his gut: not only was Sasuke off on a suicide mission, he was being held hostage by a member of the Akatsuki, and Iruka knew Naruto was also in danger – the boy was the main character, how could he _not_ be in trouble?

When Iruka found Kakashi and sorted out this mess, the copy nin was going to be banished to the couch for a _year_.

* * *

And somewhere in the eastern expanse of the village, Kakashi sneezed.

"I hope you're not coming down with a cold, sensei."

He smiled genially at Sakura, dissipating some of her concern.

"Of course not. Now, should we get back to business?"

Sakura sighed, forehead crinkled with trepidation. "Kakashi-sensei, I don't think this is such a good idea any more–"

"Nonsense," he interrupted. "This plan is foolproof."

"If you say so…"

She watched her sensei prepare the traps, noting the way his eye gleamed with purpose, and she shivered.

Oh, yeah. They were doomed.

* * *

**To be continued**

* * *


End file.
